Thursday, July 29, 2010

Day One: July 29th, 2010

Today I began my running program. I am just a few months away from my 40th birthday and I look like a cinnamon roll with a lot of extra frosting on top. I've even been referred to as "fluffy." My boyfriend calls me "heavy duty" and says I look like a female truck driver. These things are not compliments and do not make me happy.

However, losing an extra thirty pounds is not my motivation for starting a running program. My motivation comes from being too tired to enjoy life on most days and also from wanting to learn discipline. Not to mention the fact that running is exhilerating.

About two and a half months ago I started walking. At first it was hard for me to even walk around the block. Now, I can walk 20 minutes in my sleep- literally. As a matter of fact, I think I slept through my entire walk at 4:45 a.m. this morning.

But running is a little different, especially when you're 5'4" and 166 pounds. Running. Really. Hurts. But I started out running for 30 seconds, then one minute and then up to five minutes. And today, I ran 1/5th of a mile in 2:22 without even breaking a sweat (it was 96 degrees outside!). I'll keep running 1/5 of a mile every morning until I can do it just over one minute.


It was four years ago today that my little girl went to live with my mother as I packed my bags and went to treatment. After rehab, I went to a halfway house and stayed sober almost five months.

This time, I got clean on March 24th, after the death of my sister. She was 24.I am sad a lot regarding her death but I tell myself that instead of being sad about her death, I should try to remember that she's in Heaven now-with God- where she is happy and is watching over me and our family. I really miss her....I think about her everyday and I wish she were here so I could tell her about my running.

My program is not easy.

I'm go to a lot of AA meetings, I have a sponsor (who also runs!) and I am working the steps. I put my faith in my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God (The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit!). I was going to a Baptist church (because that's where my boyfriend goes) but tomorrow I begin going to a Methodist church (I have some AA friends there) because I feel more at home there.

Instead of running FROM God and FROM my problems, I'm going to run in order to take out my guilt, anger, and frustration with life on the pavement. For some reason, when things are hard, everything seems a little clearer after a good run.

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